Open Letter to Binge Eating Disorder: What you have taken from me

As much as I would like to think that this cruel disorder has not "taken" anything from me...that would be a lie...it would be me escaping from my previous reality. I also write this not to dig up the past but to explain to the world how messy things can get when you travel down the path of disordered eating. We hear so much about certain eating disorders but not so much about others. As someone in recovery it's important to share my story in hopes that it will reach people who need to read this or perhaps friends/family of people going through this.

This is my letter...this is part of my story.

Dear Binge Eating Disorder:

Lets start off as a child...you dug your claws in young and taught me from the start to fulfill myself with food in secret. You taught me to dislike eating in front of others which still, to this day makes social gatherings kind of awkward for me. You set me on the path of yo-yo dieting young. I would add an unnecessary amount of stress and pressure on my body which would lead to things like autoimmune, early PMS and anxiety. You taught me to self soothe with unhealthy food and an unhealthy amount of food rather than things like nature, friendship or exercise. You taught me to hate food even though I have now learned to love it. You taught me to be obsessed with my body, body fat, looks, clothing etc. I always felt the need to be put together in public. You made me spend many days in front of the mirror analyzing every roll. Many of my memories are consumed by you.

Next...you took away a great portion of my teens and most of my 20s. Every friendship, every relationship, almost every situation was governed by this nasty disorder. I grew very introverted and shied away from being outside in public. I would lay in bed and eat all day and night and nobody really knew how to help me because ...well there was never really that much information on it. Plus I was really good at concealing things except for the crazy amount of weight gain.

 People just thought I was a fat, lazy slob. It got in the way of how I performed academically and socially. All I could think about was getting that next high off that next binge - like a drug addict on cocaine. I remember one instance where I went out for coffee with some friends in my university days...on the way home I picked up mcdonalds and ate that, I then ate dinner with my roomates and after that I ordered Swiss Chalet take in which was enough for 3 people to eat. I thought my roomates had all left but turned out that they came back early. I will never forget the confused and horrified look on their faces when they watched me run upstairs to my dingy little room with 4 bags of takeout. It wasn't their job to understand and probably past their realm of comprehension anyways. Another night passed out, sore, dehydrated, full of gas and heartburn - but also like a feeling of relief.  I can never really describe it and you probably won't understand unless you have been through it. With that being said...lots of friendships crumbled and I don't blame them for distancing themselves from me at that point in time.

 This disorder was developed over a really long time and progressed slowly but surely. It was the culmination of many things and I just wasn't able to cope or wade through the mud at that age and stage in my life and didn't really have many people to help me through. It's definitely an uncomfortable situation and many people would rather choose to ignore uncomfortable situations or pretend they don't exist. Some people just don't feel equipped to help. When I quit dance and had all of this new freedom I basically didn't really know how to handle it all. I went balls to the wall from crazy regimented routine to 100 percent freedom. Why this happened to me? I'm not quite sure but theres a lesson somewhere and here we are today. Many people don't ever get out of the binge eating cycle...so I'm greatful that I have managed too. I don't eat as healthy as I would like to but I'm taking babysteps there every day.

You took so much of my life. You broke my spirit. Took my innocence. Stomped on my passions. Buried my self confidence and put lasting damage on my liver, organs and immune system. You filled me with a candida overgrowth that I still sometimes struggle with today. You set my emotions on a rollercoaster of cruel lows yet sometimes life was good so I had to balance it all and conceal those emotions to myself - crying myself to sleep most nights. I don't write this for pity or for some strange satisfaction. But to give others hope that just because you have lived my story or are living my story...it won't define you. You can and will wade through the mud and dig yourself out. It might take 30 years but you will get there. If you are dealing with BED or any sort of eating disorders/struggles or know someone that might be...please reach out to them. Send me a message and I will lend a shoulder/ear/safe place.